Boys will fight over anything, even an imaginary ball

You never know when major life events will happen to you. One moment you are trying to wrangle the family into the car for an outing and the next moment you are standing there, dumbfounded, experiencing something you know you will remember forever. Just this weekend I had one of those moments.

It was a beautiful Saturday and after endless weeks of rain we were all champing at the bit to get out of the house. We spent the morning down at the local cafe, eating a hearty breakfast and wasting time with friends. The kids had spent time at the park, running and jumping and expending most of the calories they had eaten at breakfast. This always does one of two things to them: wears them out so all they want to do is lie on the couch and stare at the TV or winds them up to a pitched frenzy whose energy is only equaled by supernovas. There is no rhyme or reason to this, and trying to predict how they will react to “park time” is a fool’s errand. I knew my best bet was to throw them into the car for a quick trip across town. If they’re turning into zombies the car ride will put them to sleep, and if they’re running wild they could run around the mall or a big box store out in the county.

First, though, I’d have to clean out the car. My poor car is a largeish station wagon, but it’s filled with car seats and there isn’t much room in it other than the front passenger seat. It gets filled with diaper bags, jackets, empty chip bags and bottles of soda. This is not a big deal during the week when it’s just me, but my wife has no place to sit and it seems weird to have her follow us in her car when we go on family trips. So as I carried junk into the house, my wife stayed out on the sidewalk to let the kids play in the sun. Tiny Bits, our 18-month-old, found a stick and was going around blessing and/or whacking every plant he could get close to. Maybe he thinks he’s a wizard and the stick is a wand; who knows — he was happy and that’s all that matters. Our other two boys — 6-year-old Big Bits and 4-year-old Little Bits-decided the thousand and one toys we have in the house (and the several in the car) were unnecessary and were playing Invisible Football.

Invisible Football is a simple game: you take an invisible football and “throw” it to your brother, who “catches” it and then begins to run down the sidewalk, avoiding “tacklers” until they come to the “end zone” where they score a touchdown and “spike the ball.” It’s actually fun to watch and appears to be fun to play. Regardless, they were having fun and staying out of my way as I hauled miscellaneous debris into the house.

I was coming out of the front door for the last time when I heard screaming. I could see Little Bits standing a few doors down, crying. Big Bits was throwing a tantrum. Tiny Bits was happily whacking away at a hosta in our front yard. My wife was trying very hard not to laugh at something.

“What happened?” I asked as I came up to them.

“MOMMY IS SO MEAN!” Big Bits told me.

“Big Bits is … hogging the ball,” my wife tried to say through giggles. “I told him he had to share the ball and he threw a fit.”

“It’s not fair!” Big Bits told me. I was confused.

“Can’t they both have a ‘ball’?” I asked. My wife just shrugged.

“I tried and Little Bits said he wanted the one Big Bits has,” she told me. I just shook my head.

“OK, Big Bits, give Little Bits the ball. It’s only fair,” I told him. Big Bits wasn’t happy, but he seemed to see he had been out voted.

Then the most surreal thing I had ever seen took place.

“You aren’t my best friend anymore!” he said as he bent down, “picked” up the “ball” and “threw” it to his brother before stomping off into the car. Little Bits “watched” the “ball” go over his head and turned to run to where it “landed,” “picked” it up and brought it back to us, now happy enough to stop crying. My wife and I got all the kids into the car and stopped before getting in to look at one another.

“Did that just happen?” I asked.

“Yes, our sons just fought over an imaginary football,” she answered before we both broke out in laughter.

At least they have good imaginations. Now, to see if a good imagination helps them in life or just drives me insane.

Originally published on Stltoday.com